I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
