I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
