I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
