mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
