I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
