Buhtt sex?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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