I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
