if only i could text you this smell
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
