I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize