weddingsv make me drug and hornr
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
