All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Randomize