Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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