3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
