it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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