Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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