I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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