I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
