Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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