apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
