Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
