You smell like stripper and shame
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
