mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
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