It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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