It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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