splinters make it hard to masturbate
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
