I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
