Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize