So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Come on in and take your pants off
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