in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
