home. puking in laundry basket.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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