I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
