Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
