it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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