You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
