I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
