Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
