The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I enjoy the company of your penis
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
