I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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