Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
