oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Randomize
