as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
