Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
