please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
