okay pat passed out under dana's car
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize