Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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