If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
