If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
