My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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