Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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