He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
