god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
