haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
