No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
