My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
