fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
