new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
