Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
