I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize