I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
