your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
