i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
