What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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