There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
