I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
