I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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