A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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