If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
