Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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