im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
