Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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