Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Barsexuality is the new black.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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